There's things you do with all babies. Their first Easter, 4th of July, Christmas, New Years, Birthdays. Although today turned into a day I ended up happy with, it certainly had it's bumps and bruises.After getting to mass late today (some things even a near death experience won't change, ahem, ahem, Shell!) we sat in the church gymnasium for the 'overflow' mass. So, ok, the chairs were actually more comfortable and there was plenty of room. I'm thinking, just get through mass, don't cuss in your prayers and make sure the girls behave themselves.
Then we stand up for the introductory hymn and there he is. A little boy in his father's arms wearing a corduroy blazer, just like ones Mommy bought for Daddy and Mikey at Christmas time. His remains hanging in my closet, waiting for the little man to fill it out properly. This boy looked so perfect, so healthy, so cute, I actually started to lose it in church. Tears coming down my face, I point him out to Shell and she realizes in a second what I was upset about. As I thought, "I can't do this right now. I have to get out of here or I'm going to pass out," I looked at the girls and realized I'd confuse them and make them worry for no reason. So I sniffed it all away and started trying to distract myself.
Then the boy caught hold of my red teary eyed face and would not stop looking me right in the eyes. Oh man - he was just so perfect in his Daddy's arms. I wasn't mad, wasn't wishing for anything else other than to have Mikey in a car seat next to me, crying because the suit blazer we put him in was making him sweat. Honestly, mostly what I was thinking about what that at least that boy was OK and here in his Daddy's arms. I thought I might get jealous or mad, but that didn't really happen. I just kept thinking my boy is strong enough to handle anything, but we all wish he didn't have to prove it.
The little boy in the blue blazer and I got along fine though. I started making funny faces at him and made him laugh. Then he started frowning back at me (which I of course copied back to him) and he laughed again.
After the homily, Shell hands me this index card, where she has written me a note:
"Miracles happen because of love, and I am here because of you."
I feel the tears coming, but I look at her thinking I'm just going to smile and tell her I'm happy she's with me when she says, "Flip over the card."
And there's Mikey's footprint and birthdate staring back up at me and I lost it again.
It's so hard to try and remember how and why I could keep on going and going when Mikey and Shell were both in the ICU's, and we didn't know if either would live. I remember thinking that it was an impossible situation - kind of my Kobiyashi Maru - I've linked it here for any of you non star trek folks reading this. Most of the time the only way someone can get out of a no-win situation is to cheat. There is no cheating at this game, though - you get trampled sometimes no matter what.
Then we went to Shell's Mom's house for Easter. The whole way I was hoping I could make up some reason why I could go see Mikey or better yet go home and pretend the whole day wasn't happening. Alas, we get there and I see everyone and it's ok. Shell's sisters and Erik and Doug have been really great to me, especially in the hospital - I can feel the comfort they wish they could give us. It's so obvious we're loved and cared for. I have yet to think of anything in the world I could say or do that would let them know how much I appreciate them all. Words really suck sometimes. They just don't seem like enough. For all the folks that have helped us, I've been realizing we have no way to repay the debt - I think it's more our job to 'pay it forward' when the times arise in our lives. You can all count on us for that. I only hope what we can give, when we can give it will be enough.Mom made a great dinner (no quiche rules!) and things were really kind of nice. Pretty laid back, and as I recall there weren't any tears from any of the kids, which was like an extra cherry on a sundae.
Dawn, Erik, Shell and I went up to see Mikey afterwards - what a really nice visit. It was pretty tough at times suctioning him and trying to read what he was telling us - pain, diaper, etc. What was really cool was stepping back and watching Dawn and Erik
hold his fingers for a while towards the end of the visit. They both just kept soothing him and keeping him resting nice - I can't tell you how that melted my heart. When I think about all the weird looks we'll get when we finally do go out in public with him, it's so so so nice to know all of his family loves him and accepts him with all his tubes and wires. The thing is our "normal" isn't going to be other people's "normal" anymore. It's not going to be about seeing if our two year old does the same things as another two year old. It's going to be about Mikey doing things that make the rollercoaster ride were on a little more enjoyable.Happy Easter to all of you reading this. I think you can see from the Sitemeter near the top of the page, there's quite a few of you reading this everyday. I'm shocked and amazed, but mostly happy to know that this way of communicating is helping so many other people besides us. I've been told it's helping others that have been hospitalized, made husbands and wives look at each other differently, hug their kids a little tighter, and maybe see the good there is in this world. For all the anger I know is buried in my heart about all of this, I really do see good through the dark clouds here. Thanks for helping me with that.
Anybody need a weight lifting partner in Amherst? This anger has to come out somehow. ;)
